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Written by Dr. Christian Komor.
146 pages
$20.00
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Copyright 2000 by Christian R. Komor, Psy.D. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission from the author except in case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Publisher: The Saint George Press
Grand Rapids, Michigan
As I write this I am sitting at a computer borrowed from the Admiral's Club at the Dallas International Airport. My wife of 18 years and I were "bumped" from our flight home since the plane needed to carry more fuel - and fewer people - due to heavy snow and ice at our home airport. (Why we live in such a place is another story.) I am feeling relaxed, calm and, in spite of matters, actually enjoying the novel situation we are in. The Admiral's Club has some great treats. My wife and I have been joking together and thriving on that particular feeling that comes when one is confronted with the need to let go and accept a situation that is in the hands of a higher power. I feel the courage of a lion charging fearlessly through a difficult situation. Life is good.
Earlier today I was wearing my chicken suit. Awakened by the alarm, my wife was quickly up, already going about her packing in readiness for our departure from our hotel. I, however, was stuck in bed unable to proceed. A little voice inside was insisting that I not touch my feet to the floor until I had locked into my mind the "right" thought and mental image. If I did not follow its instructions, my mind told me, I would be certain to become ill and die or crash on the plane ride home - or maybe both! For ten minutes I sat, plucking my mental chicken feathers, as I debated the safety of getting out of bed.
Say "Hello" to the lions and the chickens of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Like many of you readers I suffer from a genetically determined, neuro-behavioral disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or just simply OCD. OCD is part of a "spectrum" of neurologic problems referred to by researchers and clinicians as "OC disorders". These disorders, which include (but are not limited to) Hypochondriasis, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Ticlotrillomania, Compulsive Hoarding, Gilles de Tourettes Disorder, and Self-Mutilation are lifelong afflictions on the order of diabetes, epilepsy or cerebral palsy. OCD is considered one of the four most disabling psychological disorders and is experienced by more than 6 million people in the U.S. alone. It can range from being so severe that the individual is literally immobilized by performing a ritual such as checking their hair or washing their hands for days on end, to occasional intrusive thoughts of having to go back and check if the garage door is closed.
When I was growing up with OCD the disorder was little studied and patients with OCD were considered largely untreatable. During the late 1980s and throughout the 1990s research into the causes and treatments for OC disorders escalated dramatically. Persons with OC disorders now have a better then 50/50 shot at achieving a satisfying and enjoyable life. Even with new medications and behavioral therapies, however, OC disorders remain chronic and persistent. The glowing statistics provided by drug companies are often based on criterion such as "25% improvement". (This means the "successfully" treated sufferer - even when receiving their medication - still has 75% of their symptoms.) Thus, there is a need for self-care resources and tools such as this book, which persons with OC disorders can use to get through the day and further their personal recovery efforts.
Studies at UCLA and elsewhere have found that, with hard work and the right type of treatment, those of us with OC disorders can actually change our brains to function more how they were designed. While exposure and response prevention behavior therapy, like serotonin-enhancing drugs, can assist us in changing the parts of the brain that are not working correctly, that is not the entire story. While medication can be essential in the early stages of OC disorder recovery and behavior therapy can free us of many of our overt rituals and compulsions, neither can take us the rest of the way on our day-to-day journey of recovering the spontaneous person that we were created to be. OC disorders present us with opportunities for exciting self-realization and powerful spiritual growth. For example, as we learn to identify our obsessive thoughts as "just brain noise" we achieve a greater and greater ability to separate our selves from our thoughts - to see that we have thoughts but we are not our thoughts. This, of course, has traditionally been the goal of meditation and a skill which can lead us to self-actualization and the aliveness of being.
This book is designed to be a useful companion, which you can take with you on your journey of recovery. To live effectively with a chronic neurobiological illness like the OC disorders we need tools that can assist us on a daily basis in making self-care choices and in learning to lead balanced and centered lives. The Obsessive Compulsive's Meditation Book can perform this service even at times when our therapists and support resources are not available.
A final note - in a book such as this, it is important that the writer knows what they are talking about from the inside out - not just as an academic subject studied in classrooms and other's lives. These mediations are taken directly from my own experience and the suggestions of other clients, colleagues and friends with OC disorders. If you are struggling with OCD or a related disorder, you are not alone. If you are a bit of "chicken" about confronting your obsessions and compulsions - welcome to the club! So far I have yet to meet an OCD sufferer who likes confronting their fears. Even when we know that there is nothing to really worry about when we don't wash those hands for the umpteenth time or recheck those window locks or repeat turning off the light switch - the fear which our brains generate make the danger seem VERY real! The Obsessive Compulsive's Meditation Book is intended for those moments when the fear makes us want to chicken out from our tasks of recovery. It is a companion, a coach and a cheerleader to assist you in getting over the rough spots. (The book is also available on tape for this purpose.)
Please remember that while your author may be some distance down the road of recovery I still have "bad days" when I get suckered in by my OCD and lose myself. I continue to make progress and remind myself there is no such thing as "perfection". Thankfully, I have wonderful days when I am actually grateful for this powerful disorder and the wisdom, spirituality and aliveness that can grow within us as we walk the journey of recovery. If you do not already have these wonderful, exhilarating days, you will, just keep at it.
There is an old saying, "God gives us gifts - wrapped in problems." It is hard to see OCD and its' sister disorders as "gifts". Yet, as with all of life's problems, they are part of the process of personal growth and evolution. Ultimately you are on your own unique journey of healing and growth that will lead you out of the wilderness of OC disorder's traps and torments into a world of aliveness, self-ownership and serenity. This book is my way of providing you with a companion on the journey. May this book be a useful resource on your travels and bon-voyage.
Christian R. Komor, Psy.D.
The OCD-Spectrum & Anxiety Disorders Clinic of Western Michigan
Grand Rapids, Michigan
OC disorder and related disorders want to rob us of the tools we need to live a balanced life. When we first are diagnosed with an OC disorder it may actually come as a relief. At last we know what this thing is that has been tormenting us and worming its' way into so many aspects of our lives. We may also feel we are going into battle with a formidable enemy relatively undefended. How do we battle an enemy that knows all of our secret fears and is able to confuse our thinking and delude us into believing over and over in fantasies that aren't fact? We may choose to take medication to combat our OC disorder. We may seek out cognitive-behavioral therapy. But we are still left with the need to live our lives each day as a person with an OC disorder. Now is the time to take an inventory of the resources, abilities and "tools" that we have or can develop to assist us on this challenging journey.
Make a list of your current resources for self-care and anxiety reduction. Include on your list such things as meditation, relaxation techniques, exercise, supportive relationships, spiritual practices, diet, recreation, etc.
Make a second list of resources you could develop in the near future. Perhaps a class in yoga, or Tai chi. Perhaps scheduling massage sessions.
Specifically learn a breathing technique that works for you.
Learn one meditation or a mental strengthening technique.
Learn a physically-based technique for developing your relaxation response such as Tai Chi or Qigong exercise.
Find media that can assist you such as books, meaningful songs, and movies such as The Secret Garden (1992).
Today I will pay special attention to my "recovery tool kit". I will strive to acknowledge my importance as a person - that I deserve self-care. I will honor myself by scheduling time to review my current and prospective resources for this journey of healing I call recovery.
OC disorders have nothing to do with what really happens in our life! That is to say, we do not change outcomes by our compulsions and magical rituals. We do change outcomes by making choices and taking action. If we are a smoker and give up our habit we lessen the chance we will die of lung or heart disorder. If we make sure to fill up our car's fuel tank when the empty light goes on we will lessen the chance that we will be stranded without transportation. But if we wash our hands a certain way, or turn off a light switch a set number of times this has no effect other than to tire us out, and raise our anxiety further. Instead of depending on our obsessions and compulsions to effect those uncontrollable things in our lives, we must learn to trust. Trust in a higher power, trust in the universe, trust in our destiny - whatever trust means for us - just trust. Then we can spend our energy on making sure our camel is tied up.
Today I will remember my ability to trust and my ability to work diligently on my own behalf. My disorder has tried to take away my trust in my Higher Power while giving me responsibility for what is not mine. Today I will let go of what I obsess about, but cannot control and increase my efforts to achieve what is in my power to change. I will ask for what I need and then let go. I will not expect work to be done for me that is mine to do.
Every part of life contains the seed of progressive forward motion. Our life span, from birth to death, is the prototypical example. Recovery from OC disorders likewise has a progression. Of course, each of us with an OC disorder is unique. It is amazing in fact, how many different permutations and nuances our disorder can find to express itself - and wreak havoc in our lives. Nevertheless, when we examine the recovery process itself, there appear to be five general stages that we all go through in our journey:
What stage of recovery are you in at this time in your life. What characteristics do you have of that particular stage?
Examine your friends or support group members with OC disorder-Spectrum problems. What stage of recovery do they appear to be in? What do you note about their behavior that is indicative of that stage?
Using self, friends, colleagues and other role models construct a list of behaviors that you project yourself as exhibiting at each stage. In other words, what will your particular behaviors and experiences be like in, for example, Stage IV.
Use this information as a roadmap for progress. Seek to emulate individual aspects of more advanced stages of the recovery journey. In doing so you may pull yourself towards the next step in your healing.
Whatever stage of recovery I find myself in today I will do my best to accept and enjoy where I am. It is not my job to be somewhere or someone who I am not. Progress is made by gradual steps. As long as I am moving forward - and remembering to enjoy as much as possible this hour, this day - I can rest assured that my journey is on track. I cannot feel the motion as the earth changes its' position in space. Even if I do not feel the motion of change in my life I trust that it is there and real and right on time.
One of the most critical elements in OC disorder recovery is knowing, really knowing that OC disorders are just "static from the brain" - that they are not "real". Many of us have had the experience of hearing someone who knows about our OC disorder say "Its' just your imagination. Just forget about it." "If only it were what easy!" we might reply. While its' true that OC disorder is a real structural and biochemical problem in our brain and that it causes real suffering, the obsessions and compulsions that OC disorders try to make us conform to are not real. If this were the case, then almost everyone except us would be dead already since most people do not perform the compulsions and rituals we feel we must!
An essential task in OC disorder recovery is learning ways of externalizing the OC disorder or putting it outside our self. To say, and really believe, "Its' not me, its' my OC disorder" is our goal.
Find some way that fits for you to creatively externalize your OC disorder. Draw a picture, purchase an ugly stuffed animal, make a project of magazine cutouts, give the disorder a name ("The Blackmailer", "The Slave Driver", etc.)
Make a decision to refer to your OC disorder like a separate person. Use the image you have given it or its "name" to identify it as you would a separate person from yourself.
Today I will remind myself that obsessive thoughts are just thoughts. They have no form or substance. They are like clouds. Less even than clouds. They are mere wisps that will blow away once I return my focus to what is really important in my life. When obsessive thoughts present themselves at the door of my consciousness I will acknowledge them for what they are and continue on with my life.
Most people seldom have a reason to confront their powerlessness in the face of life. Certainly a natural disaster or a turbulent airplane ride may bring to mind an awareness that "we are not always in control", but generally it is possible to go through life in blissful ignorance of the unpredictability of existence.
For those of us with an OC disorder our disorder promises us much more than just control, it will even promise immortality - if we just perform certain rituals and compulsions. "Just do this one thing for me", our OC disorder informs us, "and you will be safe and live healthy and happy forever". But the illusion of control comes with the price of our freedom and in the end is just an illusion. We are no more in control of the outcome driving home in our car than we are flying over the Atlantic in a plane.
Remember a time when you realized with clarity and certainty that you could not control the outcome of a particular situation.
Notice the feelings you had when you let go and realized you just had to trust - for many people this is an experience of aliveness and spontaneity.
As you go through your day today make a decision to ask yourself continually "Do I really have control over the outcome of this action I am taking or situation I am in." Notice how it feels to let go of the outcome.
Today I ask for the strength to accept the uncertainty of life. I remind myself that life holds surprises for everyone and that I am not alone in this. Uncertainty and adventure are close companions. I am gradually learning to tolerate the unknown, to let go and experience the exhilaration of inviting the moment in without controlling it or trying to force an outcome.
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The Obsessive Compulsive's Meditation Book - Audio Version
OCD Challenges and Solutions Audio Course (6 CD Box Set)
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